When You're Stuck

The starts and stops are getting a little ridiculous at this point. The amount of rough drafts sitting in my squarespace back office is getting out of hand, and for some reason my heart says I should write while my head says too many things to do, not enough time, this isn’t a priority, this isn’t important.

I’m stuck, y’all. And I can’t figure out how to move out of it. So here I am, with you, sharing my heart. Because that’s what I’ve been told to do.

I don’t know about y’all, but I’ve been sitting in a waiting period, and for the better part of the past three and a half years, I’ve felt like I might be missing something. God has been so faithful in so many areas of my life, but there is a prayer I’ve been praying for so many years I can’t count anymore, and it simply just hasn’t been answered. And I’m ok with that most of the time, but there are days, like today, when I just want to whine and kick and scream, and shout “GOD! I HAVE DONE ALL THE THINGS! DON’T I DESERVE THIS ANSWER? DON’T I DESERVE TO HAVE THE ONE THING I DESIRE MOST??”

And the thing about it is, there is nothing I could do to have this prayer answered. I can’t strive more, or yearn more, I can’t talk my way through it. I just have to pray. And I can honestly say I think this is why my relationship with Jesus is stronger that it ever has been: because He gave me a desire in my heart that I can’t attain on my own two feet. He gave me a desire that is purely dependent on Him, and there’s nothing I can do about it.

Even when there are no answers.

Even when there is pain.

Even when the healing hasn’t even begun.

Jesus is still there.

Because loving Jesus doesn’t mean we get everything we want. Loving Jesus is about relationship.

“...and whenever you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear this command behind you: ‘This is the way. Walk in it.’ Isaiah 30:21

Isaiah shows us the beauty of this relationship with God. How do we train our ears to hear where He wants us to go? We read the Bible. We talk to God. We serve others as if we were serving Jesus. Not out of striving to do good works, but to serve him as a form of worship. We boast in what God has done for us, to others yes, but to ourselves, too. Remembering God’s love and blessings, and thanking Him for them, is a sure fire way to recognize the current blessings in our lives. And finally? We depend less on ourselves and the world’s opinion of us, and lean more closely to the One who demonstrates a perfect love in showing us our true identity: a child of God, chosen by Him. All He asks is that we choose to say yes, and to follow His ways. Serve Him in worship, boast in his love, kindness and blessings, and look not to the flesh but of His character.

It doesn’t necessarily take the pain away, but knowing this full well helps to dry my tears a bit. When I’m sitting here on this cozy rainy day, thinking about the challenge of waiting, and maybe not getting the answers I want or think I need, what a comfort it is to know that my only job in this situation is to turn to Him: To seek Him, and to sit at His feet. To listen more than I request my desired outcome, and to glorify Him more than I glorify my self-propelled strategies. This is what produces relationship, and in turn, provides us the grace, peace, and hope we find in the waiting.

Heavenly Father, it is so hard to wait. It is such a challenge to let go of control, and it is so hard to not get the answers we feel we need, especially when we think we know what is best. But you, Lord, the perfecter of my faith, knows what is best for me. Thank you for always knowing what’s best, and forgiving me when I think I know better. Thank you for Your new covenant in Jesus, who came here to show us how to live: abiding deeply in your love, praising your name, and when hardships come, to cling desperately to your grace and hope. Lord, I know waiting on little and big things of this life is a part of our relationship with you, and these seasons are meant to bring us closer to you. Help us to turn to you so we can know you more, and be better able to hear your voice when you direct us on the path to take. We love you so much. Amen.

Be encouraged friends. In the waiting, lean on your Savior. He may not give you what you want, but he will offer peace and hope in the waiting that can’t be imitated. He loves you so much.

Love, Kristin

Living Out Of Your Fear

Something led me here, of course, to the place that has driven my most deepest (and most reoccurring) fears: speaking in a voice not necessarily expected, stepping out of what the status quo may look like, standing in obedience to the Lord's call when the world tells me I should stay quiet, go along with the crowd, and smile regardless of the outcome.

It may be a deep-seeded childhood habit. As an almost-only-child with fifteen years between myself and my sister, I led a quiet childhood. I observed others, sitting on the outside of conversations likely meant for an older and more mature ear. I saw what happened when someone disagreed. At times it was met with what my immature mind interpreted as anger, and slowly over time I somehow developed the world view that disagreement equals resentment and discord in relationships, but agreement equals peace. Stay quiet and in agreement, and the even tide of a quiet home will stay unchanged. Which I guess in some ways can be okay, but not until I was an adult did I begin to understand the benefit and satisfaction of a well thought out debate. Hearing (and respecting) another's opinion doesn't a) mean I have to change my thoughts on the matter, and b) mean we are having a downright argument and no longer speaking. In time I've discovered that honoring one another's thoughts and worldviews doesn't have to impact my own convictions, but it can open my eyes to another's soul. Doing so increases our compassion, and helps us to offer empathy in ways we may have previously thought impossible. 

And it's because of this that brings the idea of sharing my thoughts and opinions, especially when it comes to my faith, makes my hands sweat. My heart pounds at the very thought of sharing a bold faith, but of course, our sweet Lord calls us to that anyway: to share our faith boldly, against the grain, despite what the world wants us to say, to do, to look like.

But I think we all encounter this, though your fear may not be what my specific fear looks like. What is it in your heart that makes your palms sweat, your heart race? What is it that makes you think, I'm the only one who could see it this way, the only one who feels compelled to do this thing. Or maybe even, I'm messing this all up, how could I possibly be the person to carry this out? Our enemy wants this. He wants us to hide in our fears, keep quiet, and not make a ripple. When we stay in hiding our thing feels bigger than it is, fear takes over, and our silence keeps our hearts in solitude.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9 NIV

When we speak our fear aloud, however, its grip loosens on the rocks and we see we're not the only ones. Regardless of your fear, there's One who goes before you, who speaks courage into your heart before you even knew it was there. There's a mighty Father who doesn't ask you to do it perfectly, but asks you to follow Him again and again, no matter what the world may think of you. There's a quiet confidence that comes along when the Holy Spirit guides your feet. Fear begins to melt away and the Lord redeems your past by sanctifying your present.

We aren't meant to live in fear, sweet friends. We're meant to walk boldly, yet kindly, held firm in our God's unending love, and confidently walking in His footsteps. He doesn't ask us to go out without Him, but to stand firm in His love as He leads us in His grace and mercy. There's a misunderstanding that we will arrive at some fixed point and will shout from the top, "I've made it!" But the only destination we have is the eternal life we get to join in with Christ. That's the end game. So we can choose to let our fear win, keep quiet, our head down, or we can choose to let Jesus hold our chin up, looking toward His grace, His honor, His might, and know that only when we begin to courageously speak the truth will we be truly set free.

This week, I choose to speak truth and live in freedom. I choose to not stay quiet though my pride and fear tell me my silence is a safer place. And I ask you to come along with me, share in all of the good and bad and somewhat awkward parts of it all, so we can learn and grow together in Him.

Love, Kristin

Whatever You Do

Each Monday, I start the day a little earlier than the other week days, finding my intentions for the week. Sometimes they're spurred on by our small group study, but other times God whispers (rather, SHOUTS, but I'm being poetic here) a verse or two to start my heart on the right path for the week.

We were at At Home yesterday (think Home Depot, but with home decor), searching for a rug that will once again be destroyed by the gaggle of dirty beings living under our roof. But our current one is in desperate need of finding its way to the garbage can, so off we went with the three kiddos in tow to a giant store of endless aisles to get lost in. Aisle after aisle was another treasure trove of things to touch. From biggest to smallest, one after the other, each kiddo would touch the same exact {breakable} object. Finally it hit me: "Guys! Every time you touch something, your little brother does the same! No more touching all the things!" Miracle of miracles, as they stopped, the two year old stopped. He was looking to his older siblings for an example, and followed right in suit. They touched, he touched. They stopped, he stopped. More than the other two, as they're less than two years apart, I see our littlest's deepest desires to be bigger, be older, and do ALL things (plus some added acrobatics reserved solely for his talents) his two older siblings do. He looks to their example all day long. A lot of pressure for a 5 and 7 year old, but they mostly handle the responsibility with grace.

...whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. Do not cause anyone to stumble, whether Jews, Greeks or the church of God - even as I try to please everyone in every way. For I am not seeking my own good but the good of many, so that they may be saved. 1 Corinthians 10: 31-33 NIV

Now, this verse is in the context of Saint Paul depicting a believer's freedom, especially as it relates to freedom in eating food (given his Jewish heritage, some foods were considered "clean' vs "unclean"), but there is a larger lesson here. Just as the two year old followed his siblings, I think folks we meet each day, especially those whom we see on a regular basis and know our Christian identity, look to us to see how we act. Maybe not on a conscience level even, but as we proclaim our Christianity living out our daily lives, our job is to hold it dearly and know that others may form opinions on Christianity based solely on our behaviors, actions and reactions. So this week I plan to not just do what is best for me, but to ask God to come along beside me to spur my heart and motivations to intermingle with His, so that my example would be one of Jesus. A lot of pressure when taken out of the context of the Holy Spirit, but when your heart and mind is aligned with the Word of God, He is able to move in you and those around you in ways you could have never dreamed.

Lord, I pray this week to be an example of what it means to live in You and through You. Help me to recognize when my actions and reactions aren't reflective of your love, and to handle my responsibility as a Christian woman with grace and humility. Let my words speak truth, my actions honor You, my heart become more in tune with Your will. You alone are the Most High over all the earth; thank you for being the perfect example for our lives. In your Holy Name, we pray. Amen.

It May Have Been a Temper Tantrum

This is where I put the teeth-bared, wide-eyed emoji that impossibly, yet simply says, "Yes. An adult temper tantrum. Whoops." 

This is also the emoji used in certain cases such as: 

• I just overreacted to my children being children
• I accidentally put salt instead of sugar in my coffee
• I just found a mysterious pile of poop on the kitchen floor (full disclosure: we're in the midst of potty-training the two year old. Poop is on the brain)
• I totally called her by the wrong name at the grocery store

You get the point. And I know you know exactly the sentiment I'm expressing here.

After hearing some not so great news last night, it had all come to a head. I fell the other day, so I'm recovering from an unexpected back and elbow injury. My mom broke her wrist and now has to have surgery next week. We have family coming in town this weekend, and I can't get ahead of the laundry/dusting/vacuuming/POOP situation. I've promised a girl's day with my sweetest girl, and all I want is to curl up with a book or a computer or my Bible and NOT. MOVE. So I may have had a temper tantrum last night. I cried and expressed my frustration while the husband lovingly patted my back and let me do just that. Sitting on my back porch this morning, as the gray dawn crept over our tree-filled yard, I was reminded of the newness each day brings. In the darkness of night amidst the weariness of a long, emotion-filled day, these new mercies we're given on a daily and even moment-to-moment basis are hard to grasp. But as the light slowly comes but then shines all at once, we're given a new perspective, a chance to begin again.

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23 NIV

Which brings me to my point: have a tantrum. Lean on a trusted husband or friend or cousin. Whomever it is, however you must lean, whether in person or on face time. Do it. Express your fears, and your frustrations. But the next morning recognize the day for what it is: a chance to re-evaluate, make a plan, and push forward. Say 'yes,' to the people in front of you, regardless of their size, and do the next right thing reflecting obedience to God in that moment. His love for us never ends. He is merciful at all times, forgives us as we repent of our tantrum-y ways. The darkness of night feels all-consuming, but the newness of morning refreshes us, replenishing our soul, and gives us hope in the Lord to carry out our day.

Just Start.

I bought the domain a month ago, and it's been sitting here in the secret interwebs, waiting for me to press go. There's something about taking the password away from the site, clicking 'publish,' despite the fact that no one knows it exists. It makes it official, that my dream is actually much more than that: something that's lived down deep, even before I was a twinkle in my parents' eyes. When God wrote the book of life, He knew my calling. Since the moment my lungs breathed the air of this world, God knew the passions of my heart would lead me here, writing my thoughts, my desires, my convictions, all which are out there for the world to see, if only I had the courage.

When I was a baby Christian (reality: actually an adult, just the earlier years of my intentional Christian walk), I attended my first women's conference with a gaggle of my closest friends. Jill Briscoe spent the weekend speaking of Paul's letter to the Philippians. While I honestly can't remember the content of her talks regarding his words surrounding the joy of a Christian life, her words regarding courage and mission remain crystal clear: we don't have to be brave on our own, and, oftentimes, courage is on the other side of the thing that seems impossible. Jesus boldly takes our hands, leads us through, and only once we're on the opposite side of the deep canyon of doubt can we see that our call isn't to courage, it's to obedience.

So here I am. Writing a thing because I know that this is what stirs my heart: my call to encourage, bring joy, and pursue others' hearts has always led me back to this place. I have sat in the wings for awhile, intermittently flexing my writing muscles in a discrete manner as to not ripple the waters too much, that I won't be noticed. That's not our call, friends. God doesn't gift us with passions of the heart to merely sit on the sidelines or barely dip our toes in the water. He calls us to boldly proclaim His Gospel and saving grace through the unique gifts he has blessed us with.

I don't promise to be perfect as I navigate this new bold expression in my life, but I do promise to encourage, to be truthful, and to do my best to point you to the love of Jesus. He's changed my life in ways I could have never imagined, and I can't wait to see how He works in your life, too. Be encouraged, friends. He loves us so very much.