The starts and stops are getting a little ridiculous at this point. The amount of rough drafts sitting in my squarespace back office is getting out of hand, and for some reason my heart says I should write while my head says too many things to do, not enough time, this isn’t a priority, this isn’t important.
I’m stuck, y’all. And I can’t figure out how to move out of it. So here I am, with you, sharing my heart. Because that’s what I’ve been told to do.
I don’t know about y’all, but I’ve been sitting in a waiting period, and for the better part of the past three and a half years, I’ve felt like I might be missing something. God has been so faithful in so many areas of my life, but there is a prayer I’ve been praying for so many years I can’t count anymore, and it simply just hasn’t been answered. And I’m ok with that most of the time, but there are days, like today, when I just want to whine and kick and scream, and shout “GOD! I HAVE DONE ALL THE THINGS! DON’T I DESERVE THIS ANSWER? DON’T I DESERVE TO HAVE THE ONE THING I DESIRE MOST??”
And the thing about it is, there is nothing I could do to have this prayer answered. I can’t strive more, or yearn more, I can’t talk my way through it. I just have to pray. And I can honestly say I think this is why my relationship with Jesus is stronger that it ever has been: because He gave me a desire in my heart that I can’t attain on my own two feet. He gave me a desire that is purely dependent on Him, and there’s nothing I can do about it.
Even when there are no answers.
Even when there is pain.
Even when the healing hasn’t even begun.
Jesus is still there.
Because loving Jesus doesn’t mean we get everything we want. Loving Jesus is about relationship.
“...and whenever you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear this command behind you: ‘This is the way. Walk in it.’ Isaiah 30:21
Isaiah shows us the beauty of this relationship with God. How do we train our ears to hear where He wants us to go? We read the Bible. We talk to God. We serve others as if we were serving Jesus. Not out of striving to do good works, but to serve him as a form of worship. We boast in what God has done for us, to others yes, but to ourselves, too. Remembering God’s love and blessings, and thanking Him for them, is a sure fire way to recognize the current blessings in our lives. And finally? We depend less on ourselves and the world’s opinion of us, and lean more closely to the One who demonstrates a perfect love in showing us our true identity: a child of God, chosen by Him. All He asks is that we choose to say yes, and to follow His ways. Serve Him in worship, boast in his love, kindness and blessings, and look not to the flesh but of His character.
It doesn’t necessarily take the pain away, but knowing this full well helps to dry my tears a bit. When I’m sitting here on this cozy rainy day, thinking about the challenge of waiting, and maybe not getting the answers I want or think I need, what a comfort it is to know that my only job in this situation is to turn to Him: To seek Him, and to sit at His feet. To listen more than I request my desired outcome, and to glorify Him more than I glorify my self-propelled strategies. This is what produces relationship, and in turn, provides us the grace, peace, and hope we find in the waiting.
Heavenly Father, it is so hard to wait. It is such a challenge to let go of control, and it is so hard to not get the answers we feel we need, especially when we think we know what is best. But you, Lord, the perfecter of my faith, knows what is best for me. Thank you for always knowing what’s best, and forgiving me when I think I know better. Thank you for Your new covenant in Jesus, who came here to show us how to live: abiding deeply in your love, praising your name, and when hardships come, to cling desperately to your grace and hope. Lord, I know waiting on little and big things of this life is a part of our relationship with you, and these seasons are meant to bring us closer to you. Help us to turn to you so we can know you more, and be better able to hear your voice when you direct us on the path to take. We love you so much. Amen.
Be encouraged friends. In the waiting, lean on your Savior. He may not give you what you want, but he will offer peace and hope in the waiting that can’t be imitated. He loves you so much.